The day before my first Mother’s Day without you was today. Today was that day. Today was an utter and total disaster. Yes… that was today.
I finally dumped the wine you kept at my house on the counter for when you came over, down the drain. I completely broke down as I watched the pink liquid be sucked down the drain. I completely broke down as the pink liquid was sucked down the drain and the smell of sweet wine met my nose. I completely broke down, and I told you I was sorry.
I should probably back up a little bit. This disaster of a day started with crocodile tears in bed as my daddy told me he wasn’t in the mood to plant flowers on Mother’s Day. Well, what he actually said was the temperature is going to be 58° and rainy so he’d probably pass on the flowers and let my brother and his family enjoy their Mother’s Day because “they are lucky.” My weather app said 60° and only a 20% chance of rain. Regardless, I replied with “you’re telling me,” and proceeded to throw the biggest pity party I’ve ever thrown, all alone, in bed.
How come no one asks me how I’m feeling, or what I want to do for Mother’s Day? How come no one asks me if I’m ok, or if I need them to just be by my side? How come no one THINKS to find out if I’m a miserable lump of tears, or if I…ME…YES ME…How come no one thinks to find out if I need them!?!? DAMNIT, I MISS MY MOM!!!!!!!
For ten weeks I have “held things together” and I’ve been thanked for that, but I need help. For ten weeks I’ve taken everyone else’s grief and tried to help them figure out how to get through each day. For ten weeks I’ve only really had my therapist and my amazing boyfriend to yell, cry, plead, and mourn to. For ten weeks, I’ve had my friends check in on me, but they don’t really understand. For ten weeks, I’ve needed my brother, my father, the two people who know my grief like their own…… I’ve needed them the most. And unfortunately, they haven’t asked, they haven’t tried, and I feel lonely.
I finally got myself out of bed and turned on some music and started cleaning. Aimlessly. I did the dishes, I started laundry, then saw a bag on the floor… that needs to be cleaned out. I then saw the cooler on the counter… I need to clean that out. There’s the fish tank… I forgot I needed to clean that out. Oh that towel is dirty now… shit, the laundry needs to be switched over. I should vacuum and Swiffer the floor now…. ugh all those bottles on the counter, they need to go under the cabinet, and that wine…. Mom’s wine. The last glass she had out of that box was right before Christmas. The day she was so tired she went to sleep in my bed while I put up my tree with my dad. She had come over so excited to decorate for Christmas, and did really well trying to stay awake while Dad was on his way. But just like so many other days, she couldn’t stay awake, and just like so many other days, I supported her, made sure she didn’t need another blanket or for me to turn the heat up, or need a water, but I had grown tired of trying to push her to figure out why she was so tired.
Today, just like so many days, I regret that.
I wish I could go back to that day.
I wish I could go back to so many days.
And help her.
Why didn’t I help her? Why didn’t she want to help herself? This is why I am sobbing as this pink liquid is sucked down the drain, and the smell of sweet wine meets my nose. This is why I said “I’m sorry Mommy” as I threw the empty boxed wine in the trash.
The day before my first Mother’s Day without you was today. Today was that day. Today was an utter and total disaster.
Yes… that was today.
I miss you Mama.
“I love you.”
“I love you more!”