It's a Small life – here I can write about the loss of my best friend, my mother. Here, no one knows me. And I can be unapologetically raw.
There you were. In the school building with Jeanne. I saw you through the window panes on the door. I was outside and you were on your knees with your feet tucked under you like you always used to do when you were cutting fabric, pinning a pattern to fabric, wrapping presents, or carving pumpkins... … Continue reading The Dream
It's been a long two years since I've written,It's been a damn long two years.I've got no one I want to read this or witness, But I've got to let go of my fears.This lump in my throat won't go awayMaking it hard to breathe.It feels like it's growing every single dayMaking it hard to … Continue reading None of Them Will Tell Me When
I've been thinking about Mama today...Alot of times we keep the moments that are hard for us, to ourselves. We aren't looking for sympathy, we're not looking for answers on how to grieve "properly," and we're not looking for ways to "move on."It's been 3 years , 1 month and 16 days. 💙 Does she … Continue reading It Still Feels Like It’s March 3, 2019.
I need to get back to writing.... but I can't think of the words to say. I'm sorry mommy....I miss you so incredibly much I can't stand it. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I wish you could come back to us.
She came to me in a dream...I was stuck in an elevator with other people I did not know...We finally got out and I saw a girl I know thank another woman I know for helping us out of the elevator...Only that woman didn't look like herselfShe looked like my Mom...MY MOM!!!!I ran over and … Continue reading “See, I Thought You Might Need Me!”
As I wrote yesterday, I started therapy back up again today. It went great! Then I went to the Parklands and took pictures with my new camera my husband got me for Christmas. It's my new adventure. One I've wanted to experience for years. I love to take pictures and have always wanted to "do" … Continue reading Back To The Basics
It's been 1 year & 10 months since you passed away. I can't believe we're coming up on two years. How is that even possible? We spent our second holiday season without you in person, & although we've grown in many ways, we are still hindered in life, missing you. Don't worry though….we will always … Continue reading Therapy Is “So” Taboo…
❤️Wow having a rough night. Weird dreams about mom and how much I miss her even in my dreams. I woke up crying. I miss her so much. ❤️It was so real. Was looking at her favorite little place at the grocery store where they had kid stuff and coloring books and stuff and she … Continue reading I still see you
Saturday 9/26 Wedding day…. Exposure day Day 1 (from exposure) – Sunday 9/27 Lost my voice, assuming it was from the drinks, the dancing, v the singing, the smoking, the yelling, etc all things outdoor wedding related. Got really dizzy and tired but honestly still attribute it to wedding stress Day 2 (from exposure)- Monday … Continue reading Post Wedding COVID shit show!
Written Aug 10, 2020 Why didn't you tell me what was happening to you? Why wouldn't you talk to me about it? (I wish you would have told me; I wish you would have talked to me.) So many days I think of you Mama, and I just feel emptiness inside my heart. It aches, and … Continue reading Why Didn’t You Tell Me?
Well, every time I come to my blog to write - I come back to this post. I never write anything because it was hands down, the best day of my life. But I also missed having my mom there, terribly. This blog is mostly about my grief regarding her death, and it seems weird … Continue reading Wedding Day 9/26
You'd love him. You'd like his parents. You'd absolutely adore his kids. My "new normal" is here in Shelbyville Kentucky where I moved at the end of March 2020. My "new normal" is exactly what you knew I always wanted. Those conversations you and I had about me wanting to be loved, married, and have … Continue reading My New Normal
The one year anniversary, at Lyle's, those people. I wish you could have met them.
Literally just news articles about the pandemic!!!!! March 18, 2020 🔴 I wrote this headline at 3:48am 🟣 I updated this blog with this timeline 04/12/2020 - it's Easter. We're all supposed to be staying home. It's crazy. _______________________ abcnews logo Timeline: How coronavirus got started The outbreak spanning the globe began in December, in … Continue reading I’m Glad You’re Not Here To See This.
I was in bed (actually, I am also in bed now, reflecting on this dream). It was the layout of our house in Kentucky. The one that we grew up in. We haven't lived there since 1995, when I was 9 years old. I'm now 33. I remembered while in bed I haven't talked to … Continue reading Dreaming of Storms in Real Life.
I came to my dad's to bring him dinner and I was going thru mom's shoes and clothes to take to this clothing thing Saturday for needy children and teens (she was always super skinny so I think her stuff would be great for some young girl). Dad opened her closet and said "well, there's … Continue reading Her Cowboy Boots Are In The Closet
Three words. Three simple words. But those three words have rocked my world. This week Christmas came, and is thankfully on it's red and green, stupid jolly, un-snowfilled, 60° weather, non Mama, way out. Not to be seen for another 365 days. My dad told me last night "Sarah your strength goes unnoticed to you, … Continue reading Christmas Without Mom.
10 months. We've survived 10 months without you. I don't know how, but by the grace, we survived. As I lay here, wide awake, I can't help but think of you. It's the New Year. There are so many good things that are supposed to happen soon... so many things that you were supposed to … Continue reading The People I Wish You Could Have Met……
Roger, Stef, Kota, Kam, Zayne and I went to your all's house yesterday. Dad ordered a pizza, the kids, Stef and I played games. Kota talks about how he used to always play Scrabble with you when he came over. He even said you got rid of all your tiles when you wanted to exchange … Continue reading Tear Soaked Wrapping Paper
9 months today... I'm in a completely different world. A world without you. A world without my daddy's greatest love. A world without the one who gave birth to my brother and I. A world without the one who loved my sister in law like her own. A world without the one who my nephews … Continue reading A World Without You. (9 months later)
• Oh how you loved to dance. • I wish I would have danced with you more. • The other day I was leaving a very important meeting and the song "I Hope You Dance" came on. In that moment I knew you were telling me to take the leap of faith and dance. You … Continue reading Oh, how you loved to dance.
Am I always going to feel like my heart is breaking all over again when something good happens to me and I can't call her and tell her? Is it going to be like this when I get engaged, married, and have babies? I have thought in the last few months, those would be the … Continue reading I can’t call her
After almost ten years of employment at a law firm, it was clear, the grief that clung to my heart, my body, even my shadow, was to much for me to bear. I was tired. After a "mutual parting" I'll call it.... I applied and was accepted as a new employee at a physical therapy … Continue reading I’m tired.
4 months. It's been 4 months since I've seen your face, held your hand, and watched you take your last breath. It was unexpected and there are so many things like hug you one more time, I never got to do. 4 months of regret. 4 months, of picking up the phone to call you, … Continue reading (Hope) It’s All We Have
"Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.” —George Eliot I hope you hug your mom, take in her perfume, her laughter and her smile as much tomorrow as you should do every single day of your life. If you can no longer hug your mom, or smell her perfume, I hope you … Continue reading Happy Early Mother’s Day To My Best Friend In Heaven.
The day before my first Mother's Day without you was today. Today was that day. Today was an utter and total disaster. Yes... that was today. I finally dumped the wine you kept at my house on the counter for when you came over, down the drain. I completely broke down as I watched the … Continue reading The Day Before My First Mother’s Day Without You
I drove by your house to make sure you got home tonight. The day after your birthday, we had planned for you to play music at a local bar. You were excited but not sure you would be able to get through the night without seeing mom in the crowd to cheer you on. I … Continue reading I drove by your house to make sure you got home tonight
There were strangers everywhere. They weren't complete strangers, but they didn't know my dad, my brother, my Nana, me......... Hell they didn't even know HER prior to a few days before this! Yet here they were, strangers, trying to tell us they were there for us, and would be doing everything they could to keep … Continue reading 55 days ago I took the longest walk of my life
She called me Weez 